Apocalypse 101 – What To Watch When The World Winds Down

Apocalypse 101:
What to Watch When the World Winds Down
by Theresa Bane
© Buzzy Multimedia

How shall I kill thee, let me count the ways….For something like the last 32,000 years mankind has been boo-hoo-ing about one sort of apocalypse or another; more so now with Mayan calendar about to run out. Where there is an “end of times” scenario you can bet your bottom dollar that someone is taking it to the bank. I’m not talking about those folks who sell or give everything away to the poor so they can live it up at a commune till the end of time. No, those folks are a onetime profit, and hardly even worth mentioning. I am talking about the gift that keeps on giving – lifetime residual income from movie rights! Oh yea, that’s where the money is. Nothing sells out a theater or puts Netflix into a spin faster like the release of a planetary doom driven movie.

So, how many ways are there to destroy the earth and all of mankind as we know it? Just like getting to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop we many never have a truly definitive answer, but here are some of the ways we can get smote…with an appropriate Hollywood movie accompanying it of course.

1. ALIEN INVASION – Early man drew pictures of visitors from the sky. They are mentioned in ancient Irish and Egyptian lore alike. From the blurry still photos taken back in the 1950′s to the crystal clear video recordings that thousands of folks filmed simultaneously over Mexico City, Mexico we have been besot upon by aliens. Believe in them or not, a lot of Hollywood money is thrown at making films about them and how they plan to come here and take what we got.

Movie Picks: “Independence Day”(“ID4″ to the hipsters) has to be one of the better aliens-are-here- to-kill-us-all-and-rape-our-planet movies; “War Of The Worlds” but not the one with Tom Cruise in it, watch the original; “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” any version is great. Round it off with the “Mystery Science Theater: The Movie: This Island Earth,” as Mike and ‘bots say what you’re thinking or wish you said all throughout the movie. “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” both the original and the remake are good; “The Abyss,” where the aliens come from inner space to do us in; and finally you can’t talk about alien visitation without mentioning the documentary “Chariots Of The Gods,” made by Erich Von Daniken. I would lose my nerd card if I did not mention the 1980s version of “Flash Gordon.” Ming the Merciless was bored one day and decided to blow up earth. On a far smaller scale, there is the SNL movie, “Coneheads.”

2. ASTEROID IMPACT - This is a “when” not “if” scenario. Frightening, really, but, hopefully we can skate by just a little bit longer and have somebody come up and implement a plan to save our sorry selves.

Movie Picks: “Armageddon” staring Bruce Willis, a really great apocalypse movie. Also Hollywood is making the 1979 video game “Asteroids” into a movie. Yea, really. I remember putting a lot of quarters into this game, twice as much when the “color” version came out. As a rule, video games make for the worst movies. Here’s hoping that the trend breaks.

3. BIG ‘OL VOLCANIC ERUPTION – Just like what killed the dinosaurs and 99% of all life on the planet, twice before, but this time, we get to be the fossils that some long-hair gets to unearth and put on display in whatever is passing for a museum in the future.

Movie Picks: “Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York” I saw it on Sy Fy and of all the Volcano-Erupting-in-NYC movies I have seen, this was one of the more memorable ones. It doesn’t matter that there are no volcanoes in NY, per say, however by the use of some semi clever technobabble dialogue, they manage to explain how it happened through an experiment gone bad. Pierce Bronson’s flick, “Dantes Peak” was the king of the disaster films when it came out in 1997. Far bigger disaster than his attempt to play Bond, James Bond.

4. BIOTECH DISASTER – Biological warfare and development is the super science that creates zombies in our modern times and giant monsters back in the 50s and again in the 70s. Will it be ultimately what will get us all in the end?

Movie Pick: The adorably named “I Spit on your Rave,” is a zombie flick set to open near the later part of 2010. Wackiness ensues and mayhem rules when a zombie apocalypse is started in the middle of the London 2012 Olympics. “Resident Evil: Degeneration,” Ya gotta love Umbrella Corp, they never give up. Where’s Leon S. Kennedy when you need him! Better than the video games or the live action films, this full length feature animation movie totally rocks and showcases Leon at his ultimate badass self.

5. COLLAPSE OF A VACUUM – I am not even sure that I can explain this in such a way to make it believable to you that I know what I am talking about on this one-but, here goes: For some reason, we lose our atmosphere in a way not here before mentioned, and we all die.

Movie Picks: “Star Trek: Undiscovered Country.” It counts because it starts with the Klingon moon exploding. After an explosion on their moon, the Klingons have an estimated 50 years before their ozone layer is completely depleted, and they all die. Enter Kirk and company. OK Qo’noS/Kronos is not Earth but you get the idea.

6. DIVINE INTERVENTION – When the apocalypse comes, can I have your car? God, in His infinite wisdom, may be the one who smites us, and in truth, we’d have it coming. Be fair, look at what the hell we did to His kid when He sent him here for a visit! Nevertheless, having God smiting us into the apocalypse is my personal all time favorite because the word “apocalypse” does in fact not mean “the end of the word” but rather “the end of the world as we know it.” Big difference.

Movie Picks: “Legion” coming soon (January 22, 2010) to a theater near you. God finally has had it with mankind and started the apocalypse. A pregnant woman, trapped in a diner out in the Midwest somewhere, is carrying a baby of some obvious importance not revealed in the trailers. Angels and demons alike converge and begin fighting over it. Also, the 1995 film called “Prophecy”, starring Christopher Walken as the angel Gabriel. This shares the same plot as “Legion” but takes place on the east coast.

7. ENVIRONMENTAL TOXINS – They’re good for raising a 6 legged cow to win the coveted “Best in Show” at your local 4H Club but bad in that they are usually also contain a cancer causing carcinogen as well as the inspiration for film makers ever since we dropped “the bomb.”

Movie Pick: “The Shootist”. This is one of my favorite John Wayne movies. I picked it because it was the last of his films, as he was dying with cancer while playing the role of a too old gun slinger who was dying of cancer. The type of Big C that killed the Duke was allegedly the fallout from all that nuclear testing done out in Arizona. Apparently, it was also the area where a lot of western films were shot and why so many of our silver screen cowboys died with some type of cancer or another.

8. ECOSYSTEM COLLAPSE – This is actually a really sound theory. It says that if we do something totally stupid and very preventable, like, kill all the bumble bees for example, life as we know it dies within a season because they are so incredibly important to the circle of life. Apparently, there are lots of scientific reports out there that claim cell phones are doing exactly that. Total ecosystem failure sucks, but man, I really need my cell phone.

Movie Pick: “The Happening” is not another movie about Woodstock looking to cash in on the remaining Baby Boomers who have cash. Rather it’s a nonsensical leap of logic about the trees of the world trying to kill us because we’ve been killing them for so long.

9. GAMMA-RAY BURST – No, we won’t all become the Incredible Hulk, sucks, I know. However, everyday, (some experts say twice a day) somewhere in all of space there is an explosion so powerful that it emits the same amount of energy in a moment that our sun would produce in its entire lifetime. And it’s just a matter of time when one of these things occurs close enough to Earth to kill us all in less than an instant. You can’t see it coming and it can’t be stopped. Sleep well tonight.

Movie Picks: “The Incredible Hulk: 2008″ staring Ed Norton. Of all the Hulk movies, this is by far the best of them, and one of Marvel’s best films as well. I have to admit that I am glad this movie was made before the Disney buy-out.

10. GIANT ANTS TAKE OVER THE WORLD – One of the possible ways that in the 1950′s Hollywood movie makers saw mankind biting the bullet.

Movie Pick: “Them.” Not a really great name for a movie about giant ants taking over the world but well worth burning up an hour and a half watching. It’s better than “Cloverfield” and chances are you already watched that.

11. GIANT RABBITS TAKE OVER THE WORLD – Don’t laugh, it could happen. Newest scientific studies have proven that rabbits, or Leporidae Lagomorpha as they are know in the scientific community are not only getting exponentially larger with each generation but exceedingly more and more vicious. Findings have proven that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet and that I am joking with you because I wanted to include my favorite DeForest Kelley movie in the list.

Movie Pick: “Night of the Lepus” Back in 1972 this film turned movie goers blood cold as the story of how some giant rabbits took over a small isolated town. I can’t tell you how many times they zoom in on the big, buck teeth of the bunnies trying to make them look menacing, but they can’t because bunnies are so cute!

12. GIANT SOLAR FLARE – The sun sends out a bigger than usual lick of flame and in doing so cooks our atmosphere killing us all. Nothing we can do to prevent this. But now that you know this is a possibility feel free to stay up all night thinking about it.

Movie Picks: “Knowing” is yet another Nicholas Cage Movie where he, as the dashing protagonist who constantly looks like he doesn’t give a hoot about his surroundings suddenly realizes that something is wrong and must be corrected by, naturally, himself. No matter what else is going on in the movies, no one will believe him when he at first presents them with the truth. Fortunately he has access to something that is the key to it all, be it an old smoking pipe, a motorcycle, or what have you. In this particular film, he is a college professor who has solved the riddle of a jumbled mess of numbers he found in a time capsule. He must save not only those around him but the earth from a series of natural disasters, one of which is a world ending solar flare.

13. GLOBAL EPIDEMIC – Something like the Black Plague, kooties, AIDS, Small Pox, what have you, could very well be the thing that ends mankind. I used to think this was a silly thing, but, after not being able to get a flu shot this past October, I am seriously beginning to rethink the possibility of this apocalypse.

Movie Picks: “Longtime Companion” is amazingly touching. Dated now, but the sentiments will still ring true. Another good example is “The Stand” by Stephen King. One of my favorite books is “Motel of Mysteries” by David Macaulay. Beautifully illustrated it tells the story of how some forty-first century archeologist mistakes a roadside motel room for the burial chamber of nobility.

14. GLOBAL THERMO NUCLEAR WAR -Kids these days have no idea what it was like being alive in the 80s and wondering if it was worth doing your math homework considering that the Russians were as likely to nuke us at any moment as we were to nuke them. Sting even wrote a song about it so it had to be not only possible but vitally important.

Movie Picks: “War Games” asked the eternal question that brought a nation to its knees “Shall we play a game?” Staring a very young and dare I say nerdishly cute Mathew Broderick.Red Dawn is more about a high school football team lead by Patrick Swazy fighting against the invading Russian army, but it captures the sentiment as well. The original, black and white “Godzilla” movie has to be the king of all Don’t-Nuke-Us-Or-Look-What-Could-Happen movies. As are all giant monster, or kaiju, movies.

15. GLOBAL WARMING – Be it real or imagined, Al Gore finally managed to get somebody to pay attention to him when he made a movie about the evils of global warming. Too bad he was never in a position of power where he could have used his sway and influence to change the way our government did things.

Movie Pick: “An Inconvenient Truth,” this documentary went on to win an Academy Award for “Best Original Song.” Yea, I don’t remember it either. A movie more likely to be remembered is “Waterworld” where Aquaman on his boat lives day to day in a world where the icecaps melted.

16. ICE AGE KICKS IN FULL GEAR – Currently, we are already in an Ice Age that began about 1.6 million years ago. Since scientist like to name everything they are calling this one the “Pleistocene epoch.” So, right now, you’re thinking to yourself, “Ice Age? I can handle this.” Well, you’re wrong. This is only the “interglacial phase.” The real cold is yet to come. And it will eventually, and there is nothing you can do about it. This would seem to argue right back at Al Gore’s movie.

Movie Picks: Walt Disney’s Ice Age who doesn’t love whinny Ray Romano as a whinny woolly mammoth?

17. KUIPER BELT TIGHTENS UP – Located between the planet Neptune and the former planet Pluto is the Kuiper Belt, an icy cloud made up of the leftover junk that made our solar system. It just so happens that every once in a while the gravity out that way changes a bit and flings a big chunk of what-not out in a random direction. So, if we’re lucky the excess gobs of unused planet parts will continue to keep missing the Earth.

Movie Picks: This is a death by comet scenario. Try the extremely under rated film “Deep Impact” -Téa Leoni did a remarkable job and it just might be the most realistic end of the world films ever made.

18. MASS INSANITY – Some brainy types theorize that within 10 years one fifth of the world population will be clinically depressed. You would think that if those same people could afford health insurance this would be an easy fix, but, it’s not. Consolation prize: if we’re all crazy as a bag of rubber hammers, how will we know it? And if we’re depressed, will we even care?

Movie Picks: “12 Monkeys” because what is sexier than Brad Pitt? A crazy (or is he?) Brad Pitt.

19. MAYAN CALENDAR RUNS OUT -Let me be the first to burst your little bubble – The Mayan Calendar is a circle. Circles are round, just like their calendar itself is. It was intended to begin again, cycle anew as it were, when the “last day” came. You don’t really think the planet is on some sort of clock just waiting to expire like the milk in your refrigerator, do you? That on December 22, 2012 things would just start exploding up and falling down?

Movie Pick: Not that I enjoyed it, but “2012″ is a movie about how the planet suddenly falls apart and goes bad like the milk in your refrigerator on December 22, 2012.

20. NANOTECHNOLOGY DISASTER – This is exactly the same as Robots Take Over, but the robots are really, really small.

Movie Picks: “Tron” totally falls into this category, both the original and the remake.

21. PARTICLE ACCELERATOR BLACK HOLE MISHAP – It’s only funny when Theodore Kaczynski said it was possible because we all thought he was a bag of mixed nuts. Like we were gonign to believe anything the Unabomber said. Truth is, science guys are messing with one in France right now, even as you are reading this. Sixteen miles of underground pipes and wires are revving up at superfast speeds in order to slam one atom into another hard enough to create a stable black hole. They tried before and failed so they’re back at it. Some scientists say that if they are successful, none of us will be around long enough to give them the Noble Prize-for killing everyone! As soon as Steven Hawkins makes up his mind about black holes this will really terrify us all, but in the end, you’re just as flatly squished dead as some other guy’s theory about black holes.

Movie Pick: Well, there is Disney’s movie, “The Black Hole,” but the good guys all made it out OK in the end. “Event Horizon” with Laurence Fishburne could fall into this category. “Futurama: The Movie” also featured a black hole in it.

22. REVERSAL OF EARTH’S MAGNETIC FIELD – Apparently, every couple thousand years the magnetic field of the earth goes all wonky for about a hundred years before stabilizing itself, but in the opposite direction. When was the last time that happened…well, let’s just say we’re due.

Movie Picks: “Tim Burton’s Return to Wonderland.” Alice returns to the topsy turvy Wonderland. So, OK it has nothing to do with Earth’s magnetic field but it is bound to be fun.

23. ROBOTS TAKE OVER – The Matrix made it look cool, but, I guess in reality, it wouldn’t be.

Movie Picks: If you haven’t seen it already, “The Matrix” covers this idea very well and is enjoyable. Read the book “Starship Troopers,” by Robert A. Heinlein. “Transformers,” is also highly watchable, and if the Decepticons ever win, it’s bye-bye people. Skynet – let’s not forget all the “Terminator” movies out there.
Avoid: “Trucks” the Steven King short story turned into a really bad film called “Maximum Overdrive” about trucks and cars forcing mankind to pump fuel for them. I wish that I was making that up or being overly sarcastic, or exaggerating for the sake of good storytelling, but, sadly, I’m not.

24. SOMEONE WAKES UP AND REALIZES IT WAS ALL A DREAM – Or, what I like to refer to as the “Gyp Apocalypse.” How unfair would it be to have the end of the world come and it all be someone else’s dream. I mean, the end of time is not all about me, but if I happen to have the misfortune to have to be present for it, I would like to play my part in it all. Anyhoo, it’s the most improbable and unlikely scenario of them all. So unlikely in fact that Steven King used it to end the first book in the “Dark Tower” series. He had the Man in Black show Roland that their entire world was contained in a molecule in a dew drop resting on a blade of grass moments before some other world’s dawn.

Movie Picks: “The Matrix” was GREAT, the second one was OK and the third ruined the other two for me; “The Big O,” a pretty awesome anime series, until the last episode when it did something that I suppose made a kind of sense if I were Japanese.

25. SPIDERS UNIONIZE – Normally they are too territorial to live in sight of each other but in several sci-fi movies spiders, be they abnormally large or regular size, make us pay for having invented and used Raid on them.

Movie Picks: “Eight Legged Freaks” I watched this movie with my mom a few years back and actually screamed out loud. She laughed at me every time I did. I hate spiders. Also, William Shatner made a flick called “Kingdom Of The Spiders” where it ended badly for us all. Not even the Captain of the Starship Enterprise could save us.

26. STRANGE MATTER RETURNS – Back when the Big Bang was happening scientist speculate that something called “Strange Matter” existed; essentially it was stuff whose quarks were reversed. I know, it sounds made up, but believe me-I am really oversimplifying and paraphrasing here. Anyway, one day for no scientific reason that anyone can properly guess at Strange Matter may return and kill us all. If this were a “Star Trek” plot, I am sure the answer would be to reverse the tachyon wave pulses to 4 joules per second.

Movie Pick: If no one has made a movie about this, how possible is it really?

27. TSUNAMI – There is a bit of real estate off the African coast line, a volcanic island called La Palma. One day this volcano of theirs is not going to survive one of its own rumblings and the mountain that contains the lava will slip off the island, into the ocean and yadda yadda yadda, surfs up for the east coast of America. When the wave hits, what is affectionately known as the Original 13 Colonies will be gone.

Movie Picks: “Surf Nazis Must Die” and I’ll tell you why: chances are you never saw it and here is the reason you’ve been waiting for – a blog told you so. Also check out Sy Fy’s “Category 6: Day of Destruction” one of their new Saturday Night Movies that we all love so very much.

28. VAMPIRES RULE – In this worst case scenario, vampires are real, and rise to power and enslave the human race.

Movie Pick: “Daybreakers” Because I am a vampirologist I am looking forward to seeing this movie. Also, “Blade” is pretty decent, not so many good movies out there that explore the mythology of the dhampire. Marvel did this character right.

Well, that’s about all that I can come up with. I hope that I was able to both educate and entertain you with all the ways, both likely and improbable, that the end of the world will come. Till then, I suggest party like its 1999. Again.

Theresa Bane, vampirologist and personally pulling for number six.
© Buzzy Multimedia – Sci-Fi & Fantasy Audio Books…Funny T-Shirts