Avatar – Blue has never been so SEXY!

Avatar – Blue has never been so SEXY!
by Theresa Bane

About a year ago I heard that “Avatar” was being made into a movie and I thought “cool.” Back then my nephew was of the age where he had discovered “Avatar,” loved it, and subjected the rest of the family to it. It didn’t take but a few episodes to suck me in and have me hooked as well. Then a while later it was painfully brought to my attention that the movie being made entitled “Avatar” was not in fact “Avatar, the Last Air Bender” that I was loving on but rather “Avatar” a Sci-Fi action flick of similar name but completely different everything else. Harsh. So I surfed on over to IMDB and checked out this other movie.

At IMDB I learned very little. It was written and directed by James Cameron, who gave us “Titanic,” “T:2″ and “True Lies.” Nice for him, but I am not a fan of any of those movies. Set to star in it was a wheelchair bound Sam Worthington, an actor I had never before heard of but was devastated to learn that he will also be in a re-make of “Clash of the Titans,” a movie simultaneously both too bad and too good to ever be remade. Playing Neytiri, the uber hot love interest (as if there ever could be any other kind), is Zoe Saldana who although did a bunch of stuff I only knew her from her walk-on role in the newest “Star Trek” movie. I was not, how can I describe it, “remotely interested” in this movie at all. There was a button to click to see a trailer and I figured “what the heck” and clicked it.

The trailer for “Avatar” made me a believer that this film was going to totally rock and be the awesomest film of 2009. It looked beautiful and the CGI was smooth and believable. I wanted to see this movie. A lot.

But that was months ago. As time passed “Avatar” began to slowly permeate into my life. Now you have to take something into consideration when I say that I was seeing “Avatar” everywhere. I do not live a “normal” life. I do not watch a lot of TV, read magazines at all (“Archeology Today” and “Skeptical Inquirer” being my only exception), go to the mall or work a job outside my home. So when I say that I was beginning to see “Avatar” everywhere I can only imagine that “normal people” who live in the “real world” had to be drowning in it. With this much hype I wondered how on earth it could be good? Last time a movie had this much hype it blew chunks and ruined the original Star Wars trilogy for me-forever.

A month from the movie’s premiere toys were already in stores. Two weeks out “Avatar” stuff was coming free with a Happy Meal. I shuddered. It is my opinion that any movie that has merchandising that comes free with the $3 purchase of a fast food meal is not worth seeing. Twice as much if the movie is not a Disney film whose target audience is aged between three and nine years old.

A week out every third commercial on the TV was “Avatar,” and having committed to watching and reviewing the movie at this point I tried not to give it any more thought. I really wanted to see the film on opening day with fresh and new set of eyes. But here is what I have accidentely surmised the plot to be:

* * * POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT – Stop reading if you want to be “Surprised” * * *

Semper Fi Space Marine, Jake Skully, received a serious boo-boo in a routine training exercise that will give him a reason to hate aliens in general and Sexy Blue People specifically. He wakes up to find himself in a wheel chair. An honest to gosh chair with actual wheels bolted to it in a world where there is way-advanced cloning technology and cybernetics and ships that can hover. So, when the Evil-Corporation-or-Whatnot-that-Represents-America, hereafter know as ECoWtRA, decides it needs whatever high profit resource that is found only on the planet of the Sexy Blue People they get the government to use the Semper Fi Space Marines to pacify the planet. “Pacify” is Semper Fi Space Marine talk meaning “genocide.” So, what happens is that the Space Marines can’t do the job as a united mega fighting force with their guns and laser beams and drop ships and nukes but figure that if that if they clone a Sexy Blue Alien and put handicapable Jake’s mind into it not only will he be able to walk and pass as one of them, he’ll get his revenge for being in a wheel chair to begin with. Hooray for everyone, unless you’re a Sexy Blue Person. His mission, and he will choose to accept it, will be to infiltrate the society of the Sexy Blue People and then enable the Space Marines to “pacify” the hell out of them. However, Sexy Blue Jake falls in love with the world and the society and the people as a whole and the sexy blue Neytiri specifically, (interesting how the name “Neytiri” is close to the name “Nefertiti.” I’m numb with the complete lack of originality here). Empowered by his sexy blue love he realizes that the life he was living as a Space Marine was wrong and that ECoWtRA has not only manipulated the facts to his Marine buddies but that they also have no right to do what it is that they are trying to do to the to the Sexy Blue People. Jake will either confess the plan to Neytiri just as she was about to figure it out anyway OR she will figure it out on her own and when he confesses proves how much he has changed by taking up arms against the Space Marines. Jake, for which ever reason, will then lead an uprising, old school Ewok style, and with their weapons of wood and stone and stiff leaves, riding upon the back of animals will thwart the Space Marines in their body armor and tanks who are only following their orders, evil orders being given to them by ECoWtRA! It is likely at this point the “General” will either realize that he was duped by ECoWtRA or will have a change of heart. Or die bad. In the end Jake will have to decide if he is going back to his handicapable life in the Space Marines or to stay blue and sexy and fully ambulatory with his new sexy blue girlfriend. And the last scene of the movie is some old Sexy Blue Person telling this tired old story to a pack of sexy blue children about their ancient ancestor hero, Jake! Que music, run credits and go the heck home already.

So now it’s time to see the movie. And I will on opening day. So-be sure that you come back here on “Avatar” opening day and read my review of the actual movie after I watched it. Hopefully there will even be pictures inserted in the review, and if there are please take a moment to look at and appreciate them. You have no idea how hard it is to insert those things in the body of text.

QtR – Theresa Bane, Vampirologist and cautiously optimistic about “Avatar”